This piece is a real Frankenstein of sorts, as it consists of several different writings I've done since 2017— all which draw from the same source/share a common thread. 

I recently realized I needed to finally put it all together into one (roughly) coherent thought. 

This brought about "remembering."

remembering.

by Riles (2017-2021)

In retrospect, how more frustrating can it get?

To never get a chance? To never catch a breath?

When things all around seem to play out like a melodrama?

Elaborate stage sets— relegated to dioramas?

To this day, how you emitted a calmness in spite of it is beyond me—

A distinct calmness, one only otherwise found beneath the waves miles down.

What a wonder it was to just stand by you with no need 

To fill the silence. No urgency to make a sound.

If I close my eyes, I can still see you there.

The wind still blows through your hair, and all I can seem to do is stare.

Not only into the deep brown gazing back at me,

But into a heart which beats with unabashed honesty.

Did I think then that it was meant to be more?

Yes? I don't know? What a ridiculously long time ago! If I could remember for sure...

What a boy I was then. 

Unable to discern the weight of the present.

To look into a moment. To understand it.

What it truly meant.

That is simply something I have lived with every day.

Sleepless nights. Ceaseless thoughts. For the one that got away.

OH TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING! Oh to tell you everything.

No charade, love. 

No pretense. 

No impulse, love. 

No game.

My eyes are still closed. And it is no longer difficult. I can make out a face.

Standing over there now, putting the lights of an entire city to shame.

Magnificent. What a signature kind of tranquility.

A refreshing, most distinct kind of simplicity.

I can still see that midnight sitting in your eyes.

Still taste that age old salt blowing from the coastlines.

Magnificently carefree. Calm-wild personality.

Beautifully dignified. Deep-light conversationality.

I have learned since then. Life is a strange, beautiful journey.

And, if nothing else, I simply must have you beside me.

Your worth, dear friend, is immeasurable and true.

And I could never. In any way. Picture this life without you.